Pretense
by TheBestEver222
Summary: Pretense. Definition: an attempt to make something that is not the case appear true; a false display of feelings, attitudes, or intentions.


**_Ya know, I write a whole lot of OHSHC stories despite it not even being my favorite anime. I think it's really just because I love writing Hikaru, and he's just so fun to torture._**

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing._**

He was okay. Hikaru was always okay, because he had to be. If he wasn't okay, then what would Kaoru do? Would Kaoru be okay if he wasn't okay? Hikaru wasn't sure, but he didn't want to find out. So he was okay, and he'd always be okay. Even when he wasn't.

He had known things had been a little off, but he hadn't thought much of it until that day.

It was in class that he'd learned the word, the word that's very definition made him feel like maybe he hadn't really been okay all along. Pretense. Definition: an attempt to make something that is not the case appear true; a false display of feelings, attitudes, or intentions.

We're his feelings a pretense? When he laughed, was it because he found something funny, or because he had to? When he smiled, was it because he was happy, or because he needed people to think that he was? It seemed that learning the word had made him realize that maybe he'd been living it this whole time.

Was he really okay? Because, even when he felt like maybe he wasn't, he still acted the same, even if it was a bit harder to do so. And for how long now had he been feeling not-so-okay? Hikaru wasn't sure when it had started, just that he felt it now. Was this what it felt like to be not-okay, or was it just his imagination?

That day, after school when he met with the Host Club, he was very distracted by his thoughts of being possibly not-okay. Was that really what it was, and if so, what was he supposed to do? Whatever the feeling was, he didn't like it, wanted it to go away, but he wasn't sure how to show that this was how he felt. After so long of keeping up this pretense without even knowing it, Hikaru wasn't sure how to drop it.

How had he even gotten into this habit of pretending? He knew that he had often lied about his feelings to his friends, but when had it become such a thing with Kaoru? Wasn't he supposed to be the one person he could always talk to, his own twin? So why had he lied to him all this time? Hikaru thought that maybe it was because he hadn't wanted Kaoru to have to pretend too. Maybe he didn't want Kaoru to laugh because he had to, or to smile because he wanted people to think he was happy. Maybe he didn't want Kaoru to catch these disgusting thoughts, didn't want them to influence him. Because maybe if Hikaru spoke what he thought and acted as he felt, it would bring Kaoru down too. And maybe Hikaru didn't want that.

Why wasn't he alright, anyway? It didn't make sense, really. What would he have to feel bad about? He had friends, a brother whom he loved and who, in turn, loved him. He had money, a nice house, girls that fawned over him, so what was wrong? Was it him? It must have been. Maybe he was what wasn't right. If he felt that, for some reason, he had to keep up a pretense of happiness when he really had nothing to be sad about, it must be him that was wrong. That would explain why everything seemed to get mixed up in his head all the time, why he never seemed to think right or in the correct order.

But if he was so wrong, had been for the longest time, why did all these people care for him? Kaoru was his brother, they depended on each other – or well, he knew he depended on Kaoru – so it would make sense for him to care, but what of the others? Why did they care? Maybe… maybe they didn't. Maybe they were liars. Maybe they pretended too, only in a different way. Maybe they only liked Kaoru – understandably so, his brother was very likable – and maybe because they liked Kaoru and Kaoru liked him, they pretended to like him. For Kaoru's sake, not for his. It would make sense, after all. No one could like someone so wrong as him, no one except family. But maybe that was only because family had to. Did that mean Kaoru cared only because he had to?

"Hikaru?" Kaoru's voice interrupted his thinking, not for the first time that day. His brother looked apologetically at the girls that were sitting with them, and then shot Hikaru a questioning glance, which then morphed to one of worry.

"Hikaru? What's wrong?" Hikaru didn't understand the question, but his first thought was that it was he himself that was wrong. He really didn't like thinking sometimes.

It was when the girls' faces also crinkled in a bemused sort of concern that Hikaru noticed his accelerated breathing. Why was he gasping for air? And why did his eyes burn?

"What's wrong, Hikaru?" One of the girl's asked. He just wanted to shout that he was wrong. Why couldn't they just understand that? But what was wrong with him, exactly? Maybe it was everything?

Before anyone else could ask anymore questions, and before Kaoru could stop him, Hikaru was standing and running from the room. Rather dramatic, Hikaru thought, but effective. Kaoru's calling of his name dimmed as he approached the boys' bathroom, where he promptly shut and locked the door behind him.

He really didn't remember having decided to move, but he had. Why had he? It must have been because he wasn't quite sure how to answer the questions he'd been asked. Really, how could he? They probably wouldn't understand, he knew he didn't.

The lump in Hikaru's throat was unwavering, and he found he could not swallow it, nor could he stop the burning in the back of his eyes. He didn't understand, hadn't everything been alright this morning? Everything but him, he guessed. When had he ever been alright?

He heard someone try to twist the doorknob, only to find that it was locked. And then, "Hikaru?"

Tamaki. But why was he there? The only person that Hikaru would have understood being there was Kaoru, so why Tamaki?

"Would you open up, please?" Kyoya. Him too? Why couldn't Hikaru understand anything anymore? It was frustrating and maddening and annoying, and Hikaru hated it. He just wanted everyone to go away so he could try to understand things again.

And then he was crying, or had he always been? He wasn't sure. Yet another thing he didn't know. A sob broke free, despite Hikaru's attempts to stay silent. He hated crying, too. It meant that he really wasn't okay, and Hikaru would have rather tried to keep pretending.

"Hikaru, please open the door," Tamaki pleaded with him. Tamaki sounded upset, and Hikaru didn't like that it might have possibly been because of him. Still, Hikaru made no move to unlock the door. Instead, he curled up on the bathroom floor and cried. If he couldn't stop the tears, the least he could do was hide them. And maybe curling up would make him stop thinking and everything else stop hurting.

With his ear pressed to the tiled floor, Hikaru could hear footsteps, many sets, and then murmurs outside of the door before, "Hikaru?"

There was Kaoru. Hikaru couldn't say he was surprised. If the others had come, it would only make sense that Kaoru would as well. Finally, something he understood, if only slightly.

"Hikaru, could you please open the door? I promise everything will be okay if you just unlock the door," Kaoru promised.

When Hikaru said nothing and the door remained locked, Kaoru spoke again, "Please, Hikaru. I just want to know what's wrong. I can't help if you won't let me."

Hikaru just curled up tighter. He wanted to let Kaoru in, he really did, but he wasn't sure what he would tell him once he was there. What could he tell him? What could he say that would make sense and wouldn't hurt Kaoru? Hikaru didn't think there was any such thing.

"Please, I don't want you to be upset, Hika." The use of Kaoru's nickname for him made Hikaru's heart hurt. How could he do this? How could he make his brother so worried? What was _wrong_ with him?

Hikaru hesitantly twisted the lock, unsure what else he could really do. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He flew back from the door before anyone could open it and was on the other side of the room when Kaoru twisted the doorknob.

He hid his face before Kaoru could see him, but he knew it was futile. If Kaoru hadn't already been informed of the situation, Hikaru's sobbing was sure to alert his twin to his current state. Even so, Hikaru couldn't stop crying.

"Hikaru…" Kaoru was beside him on the floor, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Hikaru clung to him.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Kaoru asked. Hikaru answered as truthfully as he possibly could.

"I-I-I don't kno-ow. I don't know what's wr-wr-ong with m-m-me." Hikaru didn't, not really. He wasn't sure anymore, just knew that something about he was so undeniably _wrong_. What, though, he could not say.

"Are you hurt? Did someone say something to you, hit you?" Kaoru questioned frantically, "Did something happen?"

Hikaru shook his head, "I- no, nothing- I don't- I just don-don't wanna pre-tend anymore."

There was a long pause, perhaps several minutes? And yet, even with the extra time Hikaru was given to gather his thoughts, he could not seem to get a proper hold on them. He was still left not understanding.

And then Kaoru spoke, "What are you pretending?"

"I don't know," Hikaru whispered. He didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. Which feelings were real, and which had he made up?

"You don't have to pretend, Hikaru. You never had to," Kaoru assured him.

"I don't know which parts are pretend anymore. I don't know which ones are apart of the pretense. I can't stop if I don't know what to stop," Hikaru wasn't crying anymore. He thought that maybe he was all out of tears to shed, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Kaoru was silent. No one spoke at all. Then Hikaru mumbled, "I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what's real."

At this, Kaoru hugged his brother fiercely and said, "It's okay. There's only one thing you need to understand, anyway," and he looked the other boy straight in the eyes.

"Everyone here," Kaoru motioned around to all their friends who had gathered in the bathroom as well, including Haruhi, who was also there despite the fact that it was the boys' bathroom, "cares about you a whole lot. And I promise, everything is going to be okay. I don't know why you were pretending to be anything, but you don't have to. Because we all love you, and we don't care what you think is wrong with you. There is nothing that would make me stop loving my brother, and I don't think you're gonna repel these guys either."

"Yeah, Hika-chan!" Honey agreed loudly. No one said anything, and Honey looked around, as though wondering what he had done wrong.

And then Hikaru laughed. It was a bit teary-eyed and sad, and maybe even a bit psychotic – because with all this confusion about what was and wasn't real, it could only be considered sane for one to go just a little mad – but it was mostly happy. And this time, he wasn't laughing because he had to, and he wasn't smiling because he needed people to think he was happy. He _was_ happy, and this time, it wasn't a pretense. And maybe it never would be again. He supposed only time would tell, and tell it would.

And he thought that, maybe, he could hear everyone else laughing along, too.


End file.
